A LETTER TO A GRIEVING WOMAN

Dear _____,

You don’t know me, but I’ve been praying for you and your family since the day you held your baby in your arms and have continued to pray even though you cannot hold your baby in your arms today.

My friend told me you were headed to the ocean to escape and grieve, and she thought maybe I may have some comforting words for you since I too have escaped to the edges of the earth to grieve.

I have not lost a child, so I don’t want you to think I know how you feel or that there are any words I can say to take your pain away. Words fail in the presence of the greatest grief we can know in this life. And I know that the hundreds of “I’m so sorry’s” or “I’m praying for you’s” or “sending you love’s” feel like nothing right now. So, instead, here’s a story about a trip to the ocean: 

I went to the ocean so life could stand still for a moment and the waves could drown out the noise of my thoughts. 

I went to the ocean to catch my breath and to feel wind and life whip through my hair and across my face because I felt numb. 

I went to the ocean to face the abyss of dark and ominous waters with seemingly no end in sight wondering how in the world I could ever be on the other side of this when prayers and miracles seemed to have failed. 

I went to the ocean for answers from God and to let my endless tears of disappointment and sadness add to their depths. 

I went to the ocean to be held by the warm sun because there was no one else to hold me and my arms couldn’t reach far enough around. 

I went to the ocean because I didn’t know where else to go. It just seemed like a place that was better than anywhere else, especially better than the deafening silence of empty rooms. 

Maybe you are going for one or all of these reasons too. Maybe more. And I’m glad you are. I couldn’t tell you why I was going at the time, but God met me there in it all.

There were no answers to why it all happened, but there was healing just like God always has done with water whether it be a well, a sea, a cup, a murky lake, or a bucket to wash feet. 

I left the ocean knowing:

That this isn’t the end of the story. 

That this wasn’t for nothing. 

That this will be redeemed. 

That this won’t always feel like this. 

That I am not alone.

That God knows and understands. 

That’s the best way I can sum it up. 

It has been four years since that first trip, and I continually go back to that shore with the same sunsets and the same views like a ritual of remembrance. And ever since I went back the first time, it has felt like I am standing on the other side of the Red Sea astonished as to how I got to the other side. It’s spectacular and miraculous and a place I now dream of living one day.

So, my prayer for you is that the depths of the ocean meet the depth of your pain. And that the depths of your pain meet the depths of God’s peace and compassion. And that the depths of peace are displayed in the sun, the wind, and the water. And that you leave with enough hope in your pockets to sustain you until your next visit. 🌊

Peace be with you, 

Alex 

Accidental Influencer to SVP of Brand Marketing

Last week, I had the chance to share my story of how I went from being an influencer to SVP of Brand Marketing for DYPER™ on my friend Brett Thornton’s podcast, Just stories with BT. I opened up about how I define failure and success in my own life, as well as what I would want other single parents to know.

Brett and I go back a couple of years. We met on the set of a Living Spaces commercial, and we bonded over our shared experience of being single parents. Brett is the VP of Visual Experience & Retail at Avocado Mattress and started this podcast to host honest conversations around success and failure, and this latest season highlights all female executives! I love what he’s doing!

I’m glad I could be a part of it, and I hope you take a listen to learn more about my perspective. I also hope any single parent or newly divorced parent especially takes a listen because I think Brett and I have a lot of great advice.

Go check it out and be sure to listen to the other episodes too! Let me know what you think!

Light & Dark

Healing comes with time. It’s true. Patience with yourself and the process is key to minimizing further pain and damage. That is a tortuous sentiment for a faced-paced woman like me. No human likes discomfort or waiting. Everyone wants to be healed immediately whenever sickness, pain or hardship strikes. But when we look back, we can see why it’s good to be patient and how much healing was needed and has come from time and the process. Truthfully, the steps that it took to heal would have been made the healing process more excruciating. Be patient with yourself.

I’m thankful to have my friend Megan to document it each year. She shot my resurrection photos when I was in San Diego last summer, and shot some photos that I call “Light and dark” this spring.

To me, these photos feel very honest of who I am. I’m a woman that seeks truth and the light, but I’m flawed and imperfect. I have a shadow that goes with me everywhere I go even though I stand in the light.

I hope you enjoy these as much as I do.

Photos by Rise Photo Co.

THIRTY-THREE

The end of 33. I crossed miles of desert to stand where I began. A California girl coming back home. My feet touched the waters edge, the golden sun lit up the sky and the breeze blew through me.

What lies behind me is a story of perseverance, pain, destruction, and death, and what lies before me has always been and will always be hope.

Mile after mile, day after day, I crawled, walked, ran and was carried through the dirt. All that has kept me going through this year was the hope that being deserted in a desert surely couldn’t be the end, and I wouldn’t let it be the end. I would rather die. And if I died, I my soul wouldn’t settle for that either. It would only be a door to more. I just knew it in my bones, and I was right.

Resurrection was waiting for me on the other side of surrender. New life, new beauty, new perspective, new heart, new mind, new family, new dreams.

Much was taken from me, but more was given back. This is holy ground.

I have no formula for walking through divorce. It’s a different path for everyone. But I will tell you the only answer is surrender. You can’t white knuckle this and you can’t do it on your own. You can try like I did, but hope in your own power is a mirage that will fade.

It was by falling face down that I stood up. What was meant for destruction God used for restoration. And not just replacing knowing I am a good wife and mom. Oh no! Wounds that go deep from childhood were healed. Anything that challenged the notion that I wasn’t worthy of love, beautiful, significant, sexy, wild, fun...All of it was redeemed.

You are staring at a woman I have never seen before yet was made this way. You are seeing a heart that knows no darkness anymore only light.

And the biggest gift of all was eliminating any doubt that God is for me not against me.

This is no esoteric bullshit. There is no guy filling a void behind the scenes. I still wipe butts alone. I still work two jobs. Plenty of challenges to come, but any flames will only refine me further. That I am sure of.

“But Alex if you only knew what happened...” Trust me, friend, I know. ❤️ But you will rise. 🔥Take these photos as proof. 33 you are my favorite year. 34, see you tomorrow. 

**Amazing photography by Megan Nicole Photo. Book your resurrection shoot with her stat!**

A Brave New World

I was married at 22 years old. Other than four years of college living in apartments with roommates, seasonal jobs and internships, I never really experienced independence. I married Ryan a year after graduating ASU, and together we divided and conquered adulthood.

We essentially grew up together, and I took a lot of the domestic responsibilities. He did a lot of the finances, yard work and home maintenance. I did the cooking, shopping, decorating, children, etc. You can guess where I'm going with this...Well, now I'm alone, single and taking care of a home and kids and a job all by myself. There's a LOT of first that comes with this new life. 

I've often thought to myself this must be how my grandmother felt when my grandfather died. Lost, confused, scared of the unknown...But the good thing is that I'm 33 and not 80. Things make more sense to me than an 80 year old woman, and I still have a lot of life left to live. So, darn it, I'm going to figure this out for myself. This is my real life DIY project. RIGHT?!

Some new things I have done since I have been single are.....(PROMISE NOT TO LAUGH)...But seriously, though...

1. Set up my own budget. I use Mint to help keep track of everything
2. Set up auto-pay on all my bills. I was really overwhelmed by this, and I was so scared I was going to miss a payment. Thank goodness for technology and auto-pay. 
3. Did a drive-thru car wash. Oh my gosh, I'm so embarrassed to admit this, but I have been scared of them for a long time. For some reason I was just scared I would miss the track or do something wrong. It was so easy. I have no idea why I was scared.
4. Used a leaf blower. They are actually pretty fun.
5. Cleaned my pool and pump
6. Painted and taped a wall by myself
7. Changed the air filters
8. Set up my health insurance and benefits
9. Set up a router
10. Lit the fireplace. Almost burned my eyebrows, but I did it. Hahaha!

Cheers to many more new things! It's a great feeling conquer your fears. It's liberating and it's empowering. What's a fear you have that you would like to conquer?