REAL TALK REAL MOMS ON SELF-CARE

This is a post I have been wanting to write for several months now, and I'm so glad it is a topic that is part of the Real Mom Series that some other female bloggers will be addressing today as well. Please be sure to read their personal stories as we shine some light on how we are trying to take care of our bodies and minds while balancing the role of motherhood: Effortless Chic / Sarah Sherman Samuel / Apartment 34 / The Refined Woman / Parker Etc. / A Daily Something / Our Style Stories / Sacramento Street


This is me four months postpartum. I'm 148 pounds in this picture and wearing size 12 jeans. I took these photos knowing that I wanted to eventually discuss this topic of caring for your body and mind postpartum because this is probably the hardest thing for me to do for myself. In fact, loving my body and mind well has been hard for me to do all of my life, but motherhood definitely makes it more challenging. (Click here to read about my past body struggles). My hope is that any mom that reads this and feels similarly knows that she's not alone and that she is completely normal.

Motherhood forever changes your body and mind no matter if you have carried a child or not. Worries that were never there before race through your brain, sleeping through the night is a rarity for months, and time for yourself seems to be scarce. And, if you have had the gift of carrying a child in your body (I purposely say gift because I recognize that not every woman gets this chance even if they want it), you know that your body changes drastically during and after baby. This change is something I felt anxious about before I got pregnant with Elle and it returned when I was pregnant with Levi.

The funny thing is that my body was in better shape after Elle was born. I was thinner, I started to eat a lot better and go to the gym 3-4 times a week, my stress levels decreased, my strength increased, my energy increased, my mind was able to relax, I started sleeping better and my clothes fit better. (See my 30 flirty and thriving process). So, after bouncing back better than before, why in the world would I be anxious again about the changes in my body for my second pregnancy? 

Well, I have even less time juggling two kids, my business has grown since my first pregnancy and I'm older. That's reality, folks! Is having another child the greatest gift in the world? YES! Would I trade it for anything? NO! Would I go through this again? In a heartbeat! That doesn't mean my struggles to love my mind and body go away. That doesn't mean I should just automatically feel like celebrating these stretch marks, loose skin and added pounds. Especially, given my profession as a style blogger, it's incredibly hard to stand in front of a camera time after time posing myself in looser clothing to hide the muffin top.

But the voices around me sometimes pile on guilt for having this frustration and dissatisfaction with my physical state. I hear, "How dare you complain for a second about these changes when you have the gift of children when so many women don't?! How can you complain when you have all of your limbs, a working heart, no cancer?..."

Thankfulness for my children and body is so evident in my words and actions, but knowing that I have the potential to feel and be better than I currently feel haunts me every time I look in the mirror and see a tired face, weak, and out of shape.

It's a process and it takes time. That's what I remember about my last pregnancy and that's what I have to constantly say to myself this time around. "Be patient with yourself, Alex. You will feel like yourself once again." I can't really rush it as much as I want to. Some of it isn't even in my control. Levi is still having a hard time kicking the 4am feeding, but I know he will eventually get there and that this is only a season. In fact, I'm now 142 pounds and a size 10 two months later. Change has been made, and though I feel weaker than ever due to some complications with my thyroid, it's an encouragement to me that progress is there. 

So, to all of you mamas who might be in the same place or even ten years postpartum, it is possible for us to feel the best versions of ourselves. If there is a normal reason for dissatisfaction with our bodies that is in our control and within healthy expectations, let's remind ourselves that progress is possible even if it comes slowly. Just be patient with yourself. 

If you are someone that is dealing with unrealistic levels of dissatisfaction and trying to control your body in unhealthy ways, please seek help with a counselor. I'm more than happy to recommend some if you live in Arizona. 

Photos by Rennai Hoefer

LEVI'S NURSERY REVEAL

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Levi is officially six months old today. I can't believe it! Time has gone by so quickly. In honor of his half birthday, I am revealing his nursery design done by Oilo Studio. It's the most beautiful and cozy space I think I have ever been in. I love everything about it, and I'm so thankful that I can give this experience to my son.

When we moved in, the original space was painted lime green, had an outdated ceiling fan and window coverings that didn't do much to block out light. We repainted the walls Westhighland White and then painted an accent wall Anchors Aweigh blue provided by Sherwin-Williams. We selected a flat finish and used their low VOC Emerald line. The paint alone was transformational.

To dress up the windows and create more darkness, we hung a gold curtain rod with white sheer curtains from Bed, Bath and Beyond. The window actually has a slight arch to it, so Annalisa Thomas from Oilo had the genius idea of covering the arch with a wooden roman shade to make the window appear rectangular and create clean lines.

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The rug from Lulu & Georgia was the anchoring factor for the room and the inspiration behind the color palette. I wanted something masculine-feeling, and liked the idea of mixing mid-century modern design with traditional elements. (To see a contrasting girl room, check out Elle's big girl room reveal). The round gold mirror makes such a statement too, and is another traditional element that complements the rug. When I pick Levi up after a nap and look at the pair of us in the mirror he always smiles at himself, and, of course, I smile and then want to freeze time forever. Having a mirror in a nursery is not only beautiful, but fun for baby too. Just make sure to secure really, really well and move the crib away from the wall.

The mid-century elements that are in the space are the side table, planter, gray wingback chair, bubble chandelier and credenza. Every single item is so cool and beautiful I would put it in any space in my home. The chair is perfect for me to read stories to both Levi and Elle. Elle particularly loves to take the stool over to Levi's crib so she can talk to him after he wakes up from his nap. It's the cutest!

Having a side table right next to the chair to set his bottles down on after a feeding or set books on after we've finished reading them it very convenient. When I was nursing I was always looking for a place to set my water on or my breast pump on. I highly recommend investing in a comfortable chair and a side table to go with it. The chair and table are both from Joss & Main.

Annalisa found the coolest chandelier on ShopCandleabra.com. Even though ceiling fans are nice to have they aren't the prettiest. I've taken most of them out of every room in our house and just added a high powered floor fan. My husband wasn't a fan initially, but once he saw the impact of a light fixture and how it elevates a space he became a believer. 

The white crib and the mid-century modern credenza were pieces I had from Elle's nursery. I'm so glad that they worked with this space too. Oilo Studio makes gorgeous, quality bedding for cribs. I have had my eye on this gray and white Zara pattern crib set for a while, and it was such a nice pairing with navy and the traditional pattern in the rug. I wouldn't have put all of these textures and patterns on my own. It really shows you what a designer can do for you. I always end up making things very matchy, matchy.

Living in Arizona, we have cacti all around us. The desert landscape is so beautiful, and I'm so proud to have both of my children be native Arizonans. Annalisa found artwork of a saguaro cactus and prickly pear cactus by WilderCalifornia to breathe Arizona into the space. 

I really wanted to have real cacti in the room as well, but they are obviously dangerous for children. Instead, I found these modern, brass hanging planters and put tiny little cacti in them. I also planted a fuzzy cactus in a small pot and placed it at the top of Levi's bookshelf. Modernica makes high quality, modern planters, and I was able to find a needless cactus to keep beside his crib. It looks perfect with the modern planter. Fiddled fig trees are all over Pinterest, but I don't have a green thumb. Cacti is as close as I get. I was able to find a faux fig tree at Home Goods, and then I placed it in a woven basket, which I also found at Home Goods.

Of course, there has to be some kid elements in the space. The Land of Nod has some of the cutest trinkets and toys for kids. I love this hippo, these gradient blocks, and these soft blocks so much I wanted to display them as much as have Levi play with them. This gold music ball from Design Life Kids was a modern take on a classic childhood toy. I displayed them all on this unique modern bookshelf from Joss & Main. You can style it a million different ways, but I have kept it pretty minimal for now. Elle is hoarding all of the baby books in her room right now. haha.

It's such a joy to walk into this room every day whether it's to change a diaper, feed him at 2am or play with him on the floor. I don't take these luxuries lightly, and I know how much even having a dedicated room for a baby is is a luxury in and of itself. I can't thank Oilo Studio enough for all of your hard work and vision. If you're interested in learning more about the design process for Levi's nursery, be sure to check out Oilo's blog.

BABY BOY ESSENTIALS

I'm thankful that I have been able to experience being a mom to both a boy and a girl. When we found out the news that we were having  a boy we were so excited, but I quickly realized that I didn't have any clothes for a boy and many of the toys and books we had collected over the years for Elle were fairly feminine. I am of the mindset that there isn't a color or a toy or a book that is for just one gender by any means, but I also didn't want Levi to only have hand-me-downs that are pink and purple. The little guy definitely deserved to have some shiny, new gifts just for him in an array of colors.

Today, I'm sharing with you a list of things that I have been given or have purchased since having baby number two that I have really loved and would recommend to any other mom. 

1. Freshly Picked moccasins - There's no real need for babies to wear shoes when they are first born, but having these mocs starting around 5 months has been wonderful. Levi loves to plant his feet on the ground and jump in his jumper. These shoes are stretchy and easy to get on and off, which is nice when they have those pudgy baby feet. One mistake I made with Elle was never getting her used to having shoes on, so when it came time for her to wear them all she did was sit on the floor and cry. Haha! The poor kid didn't understand why she had to wear shoes.

2. Your Baby's First Word Will Be Dada - This is the funniest and cutest baby book out there right now. Jimmy Fallon really did a wonderful job creating it, and I think it's a great gift for any mom.

3. Special Nursery Decor - There are toys that are meant to be played with and then there are toys that are so cute you want to display them. Every mom and dad wants these as gifts too. The Land of Nod has a ton of these toys, and I especially love this gray hippo. I'm going to save it for Levi forever and one day give it to his kids.

4. A cool hat - If you follow me on Instagram you may have seen a couple posts about Levi getting the worst case of cradle cap. We are STILL dealing with it, and having a cool, cute hat for him to wear through this process has been critical. I adore this winter hat by 7AM Enfant. It's probably cutest, and coolest winter accessory there is for babies.

5. Zipadee-Zip - This MIRACLE product isn't pictured in the photo, but every single mom needs this flying squirrel-ish swaddle. After 3 months you are supposed to stop swaddling your baby, but Levi would still wake himself up if we didn't keep his hands away from his face. Enter in our saving grace the Zipadee-Zip. It was featured on Shark Tank, and it has blown up since then because moms across the U.S. know what I know...This thing works! Levi loves sleeping in it, and it keeps him warm without having to put on heavy jammies.

6. Bandana Drool Bibs - Forget the cheesy, "My First Christmas," bibs for eating and drooling. Go get these incredibly cool bandana drool bibs by Copper Pearl. They come in all sorts of designs for girls and boys.

7. Cute boy clothes - This is a whole topic for another blog post, but all I have to say is that I have searched high and low for cute boy clothes, and the line of affordable clothes I like for Levi that is by Burt's Bees. Yes, the chapstick company makes flippin' adorable baby clothes, and you need to check them out. I didn't want to constantly have to buy things on Etsy and wait for them to ship or spend a fortune at Baby Gap. You can grab these cute clothes at Buy Buy Baby.

Photos by Rennai Hoefer

MARRIAGE & MOTHERHOOD

When I got pregnant everyone was quick to tell me all about what to expect and prepare for in becoming a mom and taking care of a baby. What they did not tell me was how my marriage would change and the bumps that come when you add kids to the mix. Today, I am continuing on in the series, "Real Talk with Real Moms," with other bloggers focusing on the topic of relationships. Be sure to read the other bloggers' experiences on how they have learned to manage relationships in their lives since becoming moms, and you can continue reading below to hear my experience, specifically, with marriage. 

Not to get too personal because one day I know my kids will read this, but my marriage to Ryan got so much harder when Elle came into the world. If I could sum up the source of all of our fights and trouble it would have to do with expectations. I could write a whole book on the importance of managing expectations with hundreds of examples of how I made mistakes in that arena. Our marriage definitely felt like it had taken a backseat to parenthood, especially during the first three months of having a baby. You can't be intimate for six weeks after having a baby, and let's be real here, it's not like the weeks leading up to having a baby I felt sexy either. So, with the dry spell of intimacy, on top of sleepless nights, on top of the stress of figuring out if you are doing things remotely right as a mom, on top of no date nights...Yeah...Our marriage was pretty much a commitment without all of the warm fuzzies. We were in the trenches of being parents. Anyone else been there?

Yeah, that's pretty much a recipe for disaster: a lot of fighting and a lot of resentment...Ryan having the expectations of sleep, of "down time" when he got home, of me feeling back to normal after six weeks...Me having expectations that he would always want to hold the baby after a long day at work, that he wouldn't complain about the sleepless nights, that he would be extra loving and caring of me...

The second time around the reality of challenging circumstances was similar (no sleep, two kids to take care of, no date nights initially, etc.), but because we knew what could happen to our marriage we found ourselves being so much more intentional with our relationship. We didn't plan a ton of date nights to fix things, but we did what we could to show love and for one another. Also, the biggest thing that has helped...marriage counseling. There. I said it. My husband and I have been in counseling for awhile, and it's probably the best thing in the world we could have done for our marriage. We fight better, love better, communicate better...Having someone help us work through old scars, underlying resentment and simply be a mediator that helps you get to the heart of issues and explore areas that we like to ignore has been the healthiest choice I have ever made.

Based on experience and the counsel we have received, here's a couple things that helped and are helping now:

1. When the kids are asleep, carve out 15-30 minutes of one on one time at night without any distractions to ask each other how they are feeling. Don't just ask, "How was your day?" That's an important question, but knowing how someone is feeling is even more important because you will know the emotions driving their tone, behavior, etc. Also, ask, "What are you wanting from me?" Maybe it's just a hug or maybe they are asking for more help around the house, but knowing someone's wants helps with understanding expectations so that resentment doesn't build. You might not always be able to give what the other wants, but you can hopefully come to a compromise.

2. Either ask for help or take things off your plate by saying, "NO." People, we only have so much time in the day, and we have to prioritze what's important. Taking care of myself and my marriage has made me a better mom, but that also means I can't do as much as a friend, daughter or blogger. Since having children we have outsourced a lot more so that my husband and I can see each other more.

  • Hired a house cleaner to deep clean once a month
  • Hired a babysitter to watch the kids three mornings a week
  • Put my daughter in pre-school two mornings a week
  • Hired a pool man
  • Hired an assistant for AVE Styles
  • Said no to some travel
  • Said no to having friends over sometimes
  • Asked family for babysitting during the evenings for date nights

3. Try to make a date night every other week when your baby turns 3 months. We ideally would love a date night every week, but it never has been able to work out that way. So, every other week or so we go out just the two of us. Sometimes it's during the day for lunch and sometimes it's a nice dinner and movie. Just make sure there is some conversation happening and you're not just staring at a movie screen the whole time. If you're a mom of one, take advantage of the newborn stage and go out on dates with the baby sleeping in the carseat next to you. Ryan and I would do this all of the time at restaurants where you could pay ahead so that we could leave at any point.

Check out other bloggers' posts below:
Could I Have That
Apartment 34
Smitten Studio
The Refined Woman
Parker Etc.
A Daily Something
Effortless Chic

Read past posts: Feeding, Sleep, Travel, Childcare

Photos by Gina Meola

CLASSROOM VALENTINE'S DAY

This year is Elle's first year celebrating Valentine's Day in school. I'm so excited for her, but Valentine's Day is a lot different than it was when I was growing up. Usually you would get a ton of candy and some fun cards from friends, but her school has asked us not to bring sweets. So, in lieu of candy I found these plastic macarons on Amazon.com. You can buy six for $7.99. I bought stick-on-earrings and stickers for the boys.

For her cards, Minted had the perfect Valentine's Day card that let me personalize it with her name and add a photo of her on the back. For three year olds a photo is such a great way for them to know who their Valentine is from since they can't read. Here's to hoping these go over well.